My New Job: Congressional Bouncer by Luke Krueger

Yesterday was a sad day in American politics. Joe Wilson and his GOP brethren turned a nation with a strong history of civilized debate into one of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) politics.

I find it thrilling to watch a presidential address. There is a majesty, associated with it. And whether it was George W. Bush or Barrack Obama, it is hard not to feel a rush of pride at the gravitas of the office. Even when George W. Bush stood before us and lied, saying Iraq had WMD's, there was still a respect and decorum afforded the chronic liar. The only slight was when the Democrats refused to stand and applaud his money-shot, one liners, but that is an acceptable political slight.

Instead, last night, America saw its number one coward duck and cover while throwing a rancid tomato. Joe Wilson, GOP congressman from South Carolina, tried to anonymously yell, "You lie!"while the President addressed a rare joint session of Congress regarding healthcare.

An aside: Joe Wilson let his state down. Preston Brooks, a So. Carolina congressman, beat (with a cane) Charles Summner on the steps of the capitol because Summner was an abolisionist. So. Carolina is saddened, Joe, that you couldn't throw down a smack down.

There are some ugly moments, but last night reminded me of the WWE. So if you are a political science major, toss your books aside. Read Jim McMahon's biography. Study the Rock's greatest interviews. Do an internship with John Cena. Watch the years of Wrestlemania, and break down how Hulk beat Big John Stud in the cage match. Or study his smack talk when Hulk promised to bodyslam Andre the Giant.

Thus I see a new opening on the government payroll. Congressional Bouncer.

Where was the Sergeant-at-Arms? It's a ceremonial position, and he doesn't do much, save for calling to everyone that the President has arrived.

So I think that if this WWE politics is to continue, the Congress needs bouncers in order to preserve decorum. Cowards like Joe Wilson can't engage in a civil discourse. When he yells out, "You lie," the bouncer grabs him by his suit's lapel and drags him out of the chamber. Outside, we'll say, "Thank you for dropping by. We appreciate your business and we hope to see you back tomorrow, but it's probably time you go home and sleep it off..." or some such thing.

We will also be informed. So when Eric Cantor says there will be "government rationing" a Congressional bouncer will say, "I'm sorry Congressman but that is false and cannot be supported by anything in any of the bills circulating. Please sit down and shut up." This is not limiting their right to free speech. It's simply a reminder to think before they speak. And to pick the appropriate method of expression for the appropriate venue.

Congressional bouncers will be thoroughly professional, pleasant, and focused on respecting the Congressmen. But if they get a little liquid courage in them, we'll bounce the dopes. This applies to Congresswomen as well, but the GOP really doesn't have to worry about that distinction of diversity.

The job will be incredibly dangerous though because it will require that I be given the same healthcare as all members of Congress. This is risky because to hear John Boehner talk, government run healthcare is the devil. And since he has it, I can't imagine how bad it is. It gives him doctors who sign off on his ridiculous fake and bake tan that afford him a preternatural orange hue. This is a scary prospect of what government healthcare offers: You'll be orange like John Boehner.

Nevertheless, I am willing to accept this risk and stand as a Congressional bouncer in order to preserve the civil nature of our political debate. I really think Jefferson would be down with this position. At some point, he advised Chief Justice William Cushing, "I'm not affraid to toss Burr's drunk ass from the hizzy if he doesn't check himself. Otherwise he's gonna wreck-i-dee, wreck himself." Something like that.

I realize congressional healthcare is pretty bad, again, so bad that the members of Congress can't get rid of the insurance despite the cacophany of yelps to rid themselves of such pestilential...

Oh, wait...they're not? Well I'm sure they hate their healthcare. Still, I'll take on that risk and stand as a Congressional bouncer. The healthcare is the most dangerous part of the job. Cowards like Joe Wilson will wilt when confronted.

So wish me luck. I'm not sure I'll be better off, healthwise. Maybe the vomiting and fever I suffered a week ago will be abetted, but I can only imagine that taking this job will offer me only hardship and detriments to my health.

At least I'll get to bounce Harry Reid because the dress code will require a spine.