Given this controversy, I reached out to a good friend who is a member of the NRA and well placed in their national leadership. He or she (the NRA does have a number of female members, I'm not making that up), wanted to defend the Texas bill, the NRA and upcoming plans for the security of America. He or she agreed to the interview on the condition that his or her real name would not be used. Thus, he or she chose the name Awlaki.
American Che (AC): Let's start with your pseudonym: Awlaki.
Awlaki: Yes, it's the Finnish god of vengeance.
AC: Why not something more American: Patrick Henry, Ben Franklin --
Awlaki: Let me stop you right there. There's two reasons I didn't use a name of a founding father. First, Ben Franklin is not a founding father. He was a vegetarian which quid pro quo means he's a gay.
AC: No he wasn't.
Awlaki: Yes he was.
AC: We'll table that issue. Why no founding father name?
Awlaki: When you're baptized into the NRA, they give you a new patriot name to work in tandem with your Christian name. So to use my baptismal NRA name would be blasphemy.
AC: Why not use a different founding father?
Awlaki: That would be a major transgression to use another name other than the one you were baptized with.
AC: Right...well, the one other thing, Awlaki is the American born terrorist currently hiding out in Yemen.
Awlaki: I don't think so.
AC: It is his name.
Awlaki: Yes, but remember, Awlaki is like John in Finland.
AC: No it's not.
Awlaki: Yes it is!
AC: According to whom?
Awlaki: The NRA. They said it, who in the hell are you to question it?
AC: Let's back off this for a bit, and return to why I'm interviewing you for our marvelous blog.
Awlaki: The Texas law. What's the problem?
AC: It seems counter intuitive to the point of education.
Awlaki: How so?
AC: Well, arming students, moreover, letting them keep concealed weapons in the classroom. Some students get upset, and people are impulsive.
Awlaki: Yes, but they go through a course, they go through training before they can get their license. In that training, we teach them impulse is bad when confronting a good guy, and good when confronting a bad guy.
AC: Who determines good and bad?
Awlaki: The person with the gun.
AC: How can they be so sure?
Awlaki: Usually, the good guy is wearing a white hat, the bad is wearing a black hat - this is commons sense. I don't know why I'm explaining it.
AC: Yet professors, administrators, and campus police are ardently against the potential law.
Awlaki: Frankly, there's really no reason to listen to professors. Their misinformed liberals of the academic elite, and part of the rebel alliance. Now take her away!
AC: You lost me on the last part.
Awlaki: Nevermind. As I understand it, professors are worried concealed carry might cause grade inflation.
AC: How so?
Awlaki: Would you give a kid a C, if you knew he might have a gun.
AC: A C is average. It's not a bad grade.
Awlaki: Sh'yeah right. These days, a C is the death knell. But back to my point, professors are worried that not knowing if a student is carrying will cause them to pass along a grade that the student will find satisfactory in order to avoid being shot. Which in turn might cause more professors to give higher grades and sic semper tyrannis, we have grade inflation.
AC: What do you suggest professors do to put aside this fear.
Awlaki: Grow a pair.
AC: Hm?
Awlaki: I'm kidding of course. They can get a gun too, which is a metaphorically acceptable way to grow a pair. Granted, we'd rather professors not be armed. Then they will literally make their education dangerous. In trial experiments on campuses around the country, we've found that if professors carry a concealed weapon, 100% of professors identified as Liberals executed students who didn't agree with them.
AC: Where's this study?
Awlaki: With the NRA. And they said it. But you're missing my point. We won't infringe upon the right of a professor to carry a gun.
AC: So if...
Awlaki: One draws, so does the other and they shoot it out as God intended, look it worked at the OK Corral! Again, I'm explaining stuff that's common knowledge. Ever wish you'd get your money back for your fancy degrees?
AC: So the professor's objections have nothing to do with safety concerns.
Awlaki: Not in the slightest. They don't want grades to get inflated.
AC: And passing this bill will do away with violence on campuses.
Awlaki: Absolutely. Now there might be a stray shooting here or there, but with an armed student body, the shooter will be peer edited as we like to say, (here Alwaki laughed for a solid minute), anyways, they'd be peer edited early on. Or they might not even act if they think, "Hmmm someone else might be armed."
AC: But if they're insane and have a death wish and rules of common logic are out the window, wouldn't they go about the attacks regardless?
Awlaki: Eh...you're treading on ground I'm not familiar with. Look, the NRA has one solid principle we believe in wholeheartedly.
AC: What's that?
Awlaki: There isn't a problem a gun can't solve.
AC: Poverty? Can a gun help with that?
Awlaki: Yup.
AC: How? Arm the homeless?
Awlaki: Really? Really?
AC: It's all I can think of...you could...oh, wait...you're not saying we should take'em out and shoot them?
Awlaki: I'm not saying. I'm just saying.
AC: That's pretty barbaric.
Awlaki: Then get a job.
AC: So a gun can solve any problem according to you.
Awlaki: Darn right. Look at that thing in Wisconsin.
AC: Now come on! You're saying shoot the protesters?
Awlaki: No! They have a right to be there, but not forever. Smelling, fucking hippies, get home and shower. But look, enough's enough. Government business needs to be done. If Generalisimo Walker had told the police to pull out a gun, the spineless hippies would run.
AC: Fine, whatever. Let's get back to the big point. You had a big NRA announcement.
Awlaki: Yes...you're sure no one's gonna know it's me.
AC: Not a soul.
Awlaki: 'Cause the guys in the NRA hate when a surprise is ruined.
AC: So why ruin it.
Awlaki: 'Cause I am bursting with pride. But seriously, no one can know. Last year, I let it slip that to our chapter president that his favorite dancer he gets private dances from at Touch of Class each Thursday was the one hiding in his cake.
AC: What'd he do?
Awlaki: He pistol whipped me.
(I pause for a minute, to see if Awlaki will be aware of the fact that if his chapter president reads this he will know exactly who I am interviewing. Instead, he pokes at his bellybutton. I continue with the interview)
AC: The announcement.
Awlaki: Once we get this whole, arm the students thing done, we're going to help the most helpless of Americans.
AC: The elderly who can't afford their heating bills.
Awlaki: God you're dense...I'm talking about the unborn. The fetuses...feati, whatever the uh...uh..uh...plural of fetus is.
AC: It's impossible.
Awlaki: Not really. We could look it up in a dictionary...oh, you're talking about arming the unborn. Again, I have to explain the common sense stuff. We've got the GOP by the short and curlies and the GOP has Planed Parenthood by the balls. Our GOP shine-boys, are gonna go to the Planned Parenthood folks and say, "Look, we're cutting all your funding." And their gonna be like, "Oh no please don't do that, Mr. Congressman. We need it to make sure we kill every unborn child, so we can impregnate unwed mothers again then we'll have fun and kill another child." And the GOP will say, "You can't do that, but if you want to join us in a good faith display of bipartisanship, you will agree to stop doing abortions." And they'll be like, "No way! We like dead babies!" And the GOP'll be like smacken'em in the face, and be like, "Bitch I wasn't finished. No more killing babies. Instead, when a mother comes in for an abortion, you're going to reach up there and pretend to do the abortion" (Awlaki makes a sound like a vacuum cleaner) And it'll sound like that. And the GOP guy we'll be like, "So when you're making it sound like that, you'll slide a little Derringer up that deadbeat mother's vajayjay. And as the mother is leaving the concentration camp...I mean Planned Parenthood the fetus will recite the line on the Derringer, 'You didn't want to bring me into this world, so I'm taking you out of it!' And Bam! Pulls the trigger. Dead sinner." And the Planned Parenthood babe will be like, "Yay, I'll do it! Now open it up and whip out your big gun."
(This is not an entendre. Awlaki by this point has literally jumped to his feet opened his jacket and whipped out an unbelievably large gun. He says it's a Desert Eagle. I'm beside myself at this point)
AC: Okay, two problems.
Awlaki: Nu-uh!
AC: How will a fetus know how to shoot a gun?
Awlaki: It's what makes us human. God gave us that gift all the way back to the Garden, how to shoot. In fact, people don't know this, but being expelled from the Garden is actually a metaphor for the fact that God didn't kick us out of the Garden; he just took our guns away for a few thousand years.
AC: Problemo numero dos. Don't you think the child will expire once the mother is dead?
Awlaki: Not if God doesn't want him --
AC: Or her.
Awlaki: Fine... her, not if God wants it to die. We're doing God's work, ipso facto, the child will live.
(Beat. I'd punch him, but he has a gun. Which I am totally aware affirms that the people with guns are the ones who have power.)
Awlaki: Pretty bad ass plan, huh?
AC: I think I need a white hat.
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